Who Are You?

An introduction is the first conversation that 'should' happen when engaging with someone for the first time. Yeah I said 'should', because some people like to be spontaneous and beat around the bush before finally telling you who they are. Point is, if you meet someone for the first time, you expect an introduction first from the person. And when you introduce yourself, you try your best to sell yourself. I was in a gathering recently and new members of the gathering were asked to introduce themselves and some people went as far as telling us about their businesses or telling us about what they do in the companies they work in and the services they offer. Recently, I have been intentional about letting people know, when I interact with them, that I'm a child of God. And I don't mean just telling people, "Hi, My name is Ed, I'm a child of God", although I do that sometimes. I'm referring to letting people know who I am even without having to mention it. 

For years, my identity was something I had struggled with. At first it was when I moved to boarding school in my Jss 3 and a conversation I had with a former church member on Facebook made me hate myself. I had heard that my so called friends in the church didn't like me cos I was too proud cos my father was the pastor of the church and I was always carrying church matter on my head. Truth was, I was in everything. Choir, ushering department, drama, dance, welfare, you name it. I was there. And I was living my best life as far as I was concerned. So when I heard that I was hated by my peers for all of that, I changed. I got into boarding school and I made up my mind that I was going to be the most unbothered, quiet and reserved person ever. All the activeness and enthusiasm I had for doing anything was killed. I didn't want to be known or seen. My new reputation became that I was the most gentle student in my class. I was 12 years old at that time and I was proud of it. But self deceit is a terrible thing cos things went south from there. 

Getting to Ss 3, I couldn't hold it anymore. Little by little, that shell I had locked myself in began to break. Then the new talk was that, I was changing. I started hearing things like, "You used to be quiet and gentle before, what's happening, you're being influenced by the wrong people, you need to be careful...", and so on. I would laugh at myself and at such people because deep down I knew who I was. I knew what I was capable of and how I had been limiting myself for so long because some group of people, that I don't even remember anything about now, said something that hurt me and made me lose myself. I lost certain opportunities as a result. All because people didn't think I was capable and I knew that I was more than capable. 

Fast forward to university. God knows that my Uni years were the most trying times. Things just became worse. In a bid to show people how hyper and active I was, I ended up dabbling it things and getting mixed with people who I couldn't proudly call my friends. I promise, its not as bad as most of you might think. I didn't start drinking alcohol or partying and the likes. I just started giving people the wrong impression about who I was. I wanted people to know that I was a child of God but at the same time I was worried that people would think that church and God was all I knew. I mean, now that I think of it, there was absolutely nothing wrong with that. But at that time, I didn't want people in school to see me as the "church girl". Although, in church, I wanted people to believe that I was on fire for God. Silly me. 

No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon.

Matthew 6:24 KJV

You know that special moment or encounter people refer to as the "Turning Point" in some certain situations, till today, I don't remember or know when the turning point was. I just know at some point in my life, I got tired of the back and forts in lifestyle. I mean it wasn't getting me anywhere. Instead it just made me feel like a hypocrite. People around me may not have noticed it cos my school life was practically separate from church. But time and time again I'd scold myself for being so stupid. I'd ask myself,  who am I doing this for? Was it so my "friends" at school would like me and I can still be justified in the presence of God as his child? It didn't make any sense. 

In the long run, I realised, after trying to please two masters, time after time and it kept blowing up in my face, that, I was just deceiving myself. On judgement day, all these people that I was trying to "show myself" to are not going to be there with me. They wouldn't be able to testify on my behalf that, I was as much as I was saying, doing and listening to things that I shouldn't have been saying, doing or listening to, deep down I was a devoted Christian. The opinion of all those friends didn't matter. My standing with God was what mattered. I mean, because I wasn't in the church building all the time didn't mean that God wasn't seeing and hearing me and watching me all the time. So who was I trying to play smarts with. Definitely not God. 

I'm definitely not happy that I had to experience certain things to have come to this realisation and understanding about who I am. Although I thank God for everything that happened. These experiences have made me who I am today. They've made me understand that as child of God, the only validation I need is that of my father, Jesus Christ. I don't need my personality to be validated or stamped with "I like this girl, she knows certain things", or "she's onto of trends, she knows what's up", none of that, to walk in who I truly am as a child of God. 

So who am I? 

I am a Child of God. I am a product of God. My user manual is the word of God (the Bible). 

And if you have a problem with that, move over and let people of similar mindsets and beliefs come in. 

I will not engage myself in anything, be it conversations, music, outfits, fashion, movies, food, socail life, whatever that will stain my name or make me ashamed of myself in the presence of God. 

I want to be proud of who I am. And I can only be proud of myself when God is proud of me. 

I am who God says I am. 

I am Light 

And I must shine. 

Cheers 🥂